Understanding Your Children

from The Christian Reader:

Understanding Your Children


by Robert Andrews



(This is Part Two. Click here to read Part One.)



Not only must we understand ourselves as parents, but we must understand our children.



1. They too are sinners – You must see that those precious little ones whom you love so much are liars, cheats, thieves, rebels, and also self-righteous Pharisees, one of the most endemic of all sins among children in church-going, Christian families. They have all the same sins that we have, but they are not yet as sophisticated in hiding them. If you don’t see them as utterly sinful you will be severely handicapped in your task of preparing them for war. They may or may not have had an experience with the Lord, but in either case they still, as do we, live in sinful bodies of flesh, bodies of corruption, as Paul says (Romans 6:6; 7:24).



2. Our tendency when faced with our children’s sin



a. To ignore them – Often men ignore their children and leave the watching over them to their wives. One friend with 6 children loved to talk theology with me whenever the family would be in our home for a visit, leaving his frazzled wife to try to corral their children alone. He was totally oblivious to the destruction they were leaving in their wake. Jill and I would always take inventory after they left, hoping for minimum damage. He ignored his children’s misbehavior, leaving that to his wife.



b. To believe them – Mothers are especially susceptible to the error of believing all their children tell them. In the cooperative home school we have had at our church for years, mothers have shared the teaching load, and, therefore, teach other children besides their own in certain subjects. As an impartial bystander with no children in the school, I have watched mothers be particularly tough on other people’s children, and then let their own get away with identical behavior. In addition, they rarely respond well when others are critical of their children. Mothers are like momma bears, protecting their cubs, often refusing to see when their children have their hands in the honey jar.



Some years ago, I observed a young child, probably about six, exhibiting some inappropriate behavior at church. His mother was in another part of the building, so I found her, and told her what I had just seen her son doing. Her answer was “Oh, he wouldn’t do that.”



I replied, “You don’t understand. I saw him do it with my own eyes.”



“Well, I know he doesn’t do that,” she said. “I’ll go ask him.”



I incredulously shook my head as she went to find him. She asked him if he had done what I said he had done, and, of course, he answered “No.”



She returned and said these very words. “He said he didn’t do it. I knew he wouldn’t do that.” With this mind set, child training is impossible. Parents like this woman had better prepare for some very difficult times during their child’s teen years.



c. To excuse them – Making excuses for our children is another way we miss opportunities to train them. I was talking to a mother in the church parking lot while her little girl swung on the gate at the entrance. As we talked, the mother told her to stop at least four times with absolutely no response from the child. Without even realizing what she was saying, and not missing a beat in our conversation, the mother said, “She’s really tired.” The girl continued to swing until her mother gathered her up and they left. Children do get tired, but once they are old enough to understand and obey, being tired is no excuse for disobedience. The habit of making excuses for her child’s disobedience was so ingrained in this mother that she didn’t even realize that she had done so.



d. To berate them – Many parents fall into the habit of berating their children when they sin. They somehow expect their children to be something other than liars, thieves and cheats, and they are disappointed in their children when they exhibit this behavior. Why are we surprised when they sin? They are sinners! They must be trained to tell the truth, to be honest and not steal. That is our job and we must not expect more of our children than our training has produced in them.



We must face who they are: incorrigible sinners. It is difficult, just as it is difficult for us to face our own sin, but we must, so we can deal with it in their lives; it is a part of our “mission impossible” that we have accepted as parents. To be disappointed in them and berate them is counterproductive and only makes them feel guilty and worthless, which is not a successful motivator. It will be our love and encouragement that, yes, they can make it and we will stick with them until they do.



Understanding how to relate to your children



After understanding ourselves and our children, we must next understand how we relate to them.



1. As a parent, not a buddy —Remember, you are in absolute authority in the lives of your children. They do not need a “best friend;” they need a mom and a dad who are in charge of them in order for them to feel secure, a mom and dad who are willing to erect boundaries that are enforced to protect them until they are mature enough to protect themselves.



But they also need a mom and dad who are personally involved in everything they do, who are at all their soccer games, all their school performances, all their activities—they must be first priority. Your children will acquire a sense of self-worth if you demonstrate to them that they are your top priority. Firm, loving, involved parents provide a foundation for all the methods and specifics that you will apply in the parenting process.



As your children get older and have questions, even doubts and fears, you must be eager to listen to them, to not be afraid of their thoughts and ideas that may not necessarily agree with the vision you may have for your family, and to discuss them freely and openly, always ultimately trusting God in the lives of your children. You cannot rule over their hearts by dictating what they believe—that is God’s job alone. We can only rule over their conduct, which we must do while they are under our authority. Be assured that truth will ultimately win the day, and all of us still “see through a glass darkly,” even we as parents. I am embarrassed at how many times over 50 years as a Christian I have thought I had the final word on an issue, including parenting. There is always more to learn about the ways of God



2. As a repentant sinner, not a perfect parent – a willingness to face one’s sin is not learned by being taught to do so, but by watching it done by one who is respected. How many of us never heard our parents say they were wrong? How often have our children heard us genuinely, with a broken heart repent to them because we were wrong?



3. With firmness and compassion, not harshness and leniency – the standard remains the standard. Firmness means that when the standard is not met, it is not lowered. God did not lower the standard for us; it is the love expressed by the blood of Jesus that covers the shortfall. With our children, repentance is the solution for a failure to meet the standard, not ignoring the standard. The standard is what you have decided it is, based on God’s standard as laid out in the Bible.



Remember, we are not looking for perfection from our children—for it will not come in this life—but a repentant, broken, and contrite heart. As parents, we do not raise our voices or lose our tempers. Harshness with our children breaks their spirit, not their rebellious will. One of Satan’s biggest lies is that we should control with our tongues, which inevitably leads to loss of temper and harsh words that break a child’s spirit and leave his stubborn will untouched. A broken spirit and a rebellious will makes for children who pursue their own kingdoms when they are adults rather than God’s, whether they eventually meet the Lord or not.



We tend to not discipline if we are not angry and confuse that with compassion; this is not compassion, it is leniency. Compassion is loving our children enough to discipline them for their good—even when it is inconvenient for us—not to satisfy our anger.



4. By identity not performance – Finally, how we relate to our children does not change whatever their performance may be; they remain our children and we love them, even in the midst of applying the strongest discipline for the most severe rebellion. The standard remains ever before them.



Conclusion – How to implement these ideas



Have you seen your own sin and the sin of your children, and faced it, or are you unconsciously refusing to see, hoping it will go away, trying harder to be righteous by what you do, rather than by faith alone. Are your children watching you and doing likewise, becoming little Pharisees in the process? If so, the solution is to cry out to God in humble repentance.



Have you seen yourself as ruling in the lives of your children with a mandate directly from the throne? Have you been harsh and lenient, rather than firm and compassionate? If so, let me suggest that you sit down with your children and repent to them for that harshness and leniency, and tell them by the grace of God you are going to love them enough to discipline them when they defy your right to rule in their lives.



Your children will learn from watching you. If you are having trouble getting your children to repent and accept responsibility for their sin, it is probably because they haven’t seen you do so. God is after a broken and a contrite heart. The lesson taught in Luke 18, in the parable of the Pharisee and the tax-collector, is a beautiful example of the way of life of one who is practicing gospel parenting.



“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.



The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’



And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’



I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:10-14)



The attitude of the tax collector in this parable is not a onetime experience, it is a way of life. If you are feeling defeated and discouraged about your parenting at this point, feeling you have been a failure, you are right on schedule. It is time to pray the prayer of the tax-collector: “Oh God, be merciful to me a sinner,” followed by the prayer of the father of the demon possessed boy in Mark 9:24. “I believe, help my unbelief.” These two prayers expressing repentance and faith represent the ongoing lifestyle of one for whom the Lord will rush in and turn Mission: Impossible to Mission: Accomplished.







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------