Teaching Obedience

From The Christian Reader:

Teaching Obedience


by Robert Andrews



As parents, we directly represent the King of kings when relating to our children and we speak to them with His authority. He has entrusted us with their lives for but a brief time, and then we must give them back to Him, when our time as stewards over them has been completed. We must never grasp and attempt to hold on to them, for they do not belong to us. God has placed them in our care for a very specific task: getting them ready to join in the battle of extending God’s kingdom over the earth. Everything we do in their lives has this as its ultimate goal.



Our work is cut out for us, considering the effects of the fall in our children’s hearts. We would be powerless to do this job on our own, but the Holy Spirit has been sent to us to give us all we need to accomplish the task—insight to know what to do, wisdom to know how to do it, and grace to actually get it done. He will be our Comforter when we have temporary setbacks, and He will encourage us to persevere until our assignment is complete. Praise God, Jesus has not left us as orphans, to do the job alone (John 14:16-18).



What does it mean to “control my child?”



Controlling the child is the first step in child training, and the sooner we begin, the better. Every year that passes without bringing a child under control will make it that much harder to train him, so it is crucial to understand just what controlling a child means, before we can get started.



Listen to Richard Fugate’s definition: “Control is the force, or pressure, by which you exercise your right of parental rule—the right to set the standards for, to direct the actions of, and to administer justice to, your children. As a parent, you have the responsibility and legitimate right to exert pressure on your children.” [1]



In other words, a parent can tell little Johnny what he can or cannot do, where he will or will not go, and then by exerting legitimate pressure, ensure that Johnny does exactly as he is told.



I don’t need to tell you that this kind of obedience does not just naturally happen. Children do not have a built-in desire to do as their parents request, or the maturity to do what is best for themselves. Left to themselves, they would play in the freeway, eat ice cream and cake every meal, and never brush their teeth or take a bath. They need invisible fences that limit their options and protect them from danger. Fences bring freedom; for now the child is able to play to his heart’s content within the boundaries his parents have erected for him. He feels safe and secure. He knows in his heart that he is not mature enough to run his own life. So, if his parents don’t do so, he is frustrated, unhappy and insecure.



However, because of sin, children resist the imposition of their parent’s will upon their own. They are unaware that the new restrictions will ultimately bring freedom. They only know that their will is being crossed. They must learn, through the exercise of force, to obey what their parent says.



Pitfalls to avoid



Parents do not have to be perfect parents to control their children. They do not have to earn their children’s respect or qualify in any way to make them obey. They are kings and queens in their homes, ruling as representatives of Jesus Christ.



They must not fall for any of the tricks that children pull in an attempt to get their parents to back off from their demands. “I hate you,” “You are a meannie,” and “You don’t love me,” are old standards that must be seen for what they are—manipulations by the child in an attempt to relieve pressure and get his own way.



Parents must not be motivated by a desire for their children to love them, or by a desire to please their children. With this as a primary concern, controlling them is impossible. Parents must win every battle of the wills until the child yields to the parents’ will. They must see that this is the ultimate expression of love: forcing the child to yield to authority. Without learning this important lesson, the child will be lost to the purpose of God. A soldier is useless in battle unless he can follow orders.



God has given to parents the assignment of teaching this most basic lesson, because it is most easily learned when we are very young. The child knows in his heart that the unyielding pressure that is being applied is an expression of love, and he will respond eventually. It is every child’s subconscious desire to be under the authority of parents who love him enough to stick with him and win the battle of the wills. If the child wins, he will lose respect for his parents. The very thing the parents wanted by giving in to him—his love—will be lost. There will be no room in his heart for his parents, because it will be filled with himself.



Once a child is under control (and not before) he is in a position to learn from the parents the family values and standards. The reason so many young people have rejected their parent’s lifestyle is not because they made a studied evaluation of it and then decided to reject it. It is because they were never controlled as children, and they interpreted that lack of control as rejection. They lived a sort of “uneasy truce” with their parents until they left home and then rejected all they were taught. Listen to this description:



Counselors who work with runaway youth have isolated a consistent attitude in many of these youths. They have found that these youths usually believe that their parents did not love them because the parents would neither restrain nor direct them. They felt rejected because their parents did not care enough about them to protect them from themselves. These parents rejected their parental responsibilities, and thereby the youths felt rejected. Delinquent parents produced delinquent youth. [2]



Getting ready for war



Once a parent decides to face the challenge to control his child, he must be prepared for conflict. Can you see that conflict is easier to handle with a one-year-old than a teenager? The earlier you start the better.



Often the first indication of resistance to parental authority occurs on the changing table. When the child begins to kick and resist having his diaper changed, it is time to begin to exert pressure. Tell the child “no” firmly, while holding him still for a moment. When he is released, if he continues to resist, tap him lightly on the upper thigh with a small switch, concurrently with another “no,” holding him still again. Repeat if necessary. Very soon he will understand the association between his resistance, the “no” and the pain that follows disobedience. This technique, begun when the child begins to exert his will (generally at about 6 months) initiates the process of controlling your child.



After the child has mastered “no” and is mobile, he must learn the commands “stop” and “come.” How may times have you seen a mother running after a fleeing two-year-old, or shouting at a resistant child to “come here!” Control means that the child obeys with the first command given in a normal tone of voice.



The biblical method of exerting the pressure to ensure that the child obeys will be explained in detail later, but let me say here that children will do exactly what you want them to, if you make them. If you would like to count to ten, scream and holler, or use another signal to communicate that now you are serious and really mean it, you can do that. Or, you can make them obey at the first command, given in a normal voice. It’s up to you.



A finite number of conflicts



There will be times when it seems to the mother as though the whole day is filled with conflict. She may feel she can’t stand another confrontation. When those times occur, she must remember to look at each instance as another opportunity to bring that child under control for the kingdom of God. She will have only a finite number of opportunities to do so while the child is under her stewardship and it is a shame to waste them! There are also a finite number of battles that the parents must win before the child gives up, and the parents win the war. The number varies with every child. Strong-willed children wage more battles; compliant ones, fewer. “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart” (Galatians 6:9). The next battle may be the last one before he realizes that his parents love him enough for him to trust them with his life.



After my first child, Adam, was born, my wife Jill and I thought we were perfect parents. He was very compliant from the start, always seeming to want to please us, and indeed, most of the pressure we ever exerted on him was because of problems with attitude.



Then came Jason, and our view of ourselves as perfect parents was exploded. He was strong-willed and stubborn, and looked for ways to get away with resisting our authority. Once, after being potty-trained for some time, he began to wet his pants. There were no changes in his life, no new pressures to warrant a relapse, and his response to our reprimands was, “I don’t know when it’s coming.” We took him to the doctor to see if that indeed could be the case. He examined him carefully and as he told us that there was absolutely nothing wrong with Jason he smiled as if to say, “He’s got you buffaloed.” We realized that wetting his pants was one way Jason had been able to resist our authority without consequences. Pressure was applied, and the problem was solved.



God will give you insight, as he did us in this instance, to see what is occurring. If you don’t “see,” you can’t act. How many Christian parents do you know that are oblivious to their children as they are disrespectful to them, resist them, or even hit at them? It is impossible to rule if you do not see that there is rebellion in the kingdom.



Read Part Two>>





Notes:

[1] J. Richard Fugate, What the Bible says about Child Training, (Tempe, Arizona: Alethia, 1980) p. 95

[2] Ibid., p. 100